"Happy Meals" with Young Children

Once upon a time all good children sat happily at the dinner table with mom and dad and brother and sister enjoying everything that was served to them and making memories of a perfect childhood. Or was it - they were sent off into the forest with bread crumbs in their pockets?

Mealtimes are prime situations for potential family conflict. Children, for better or for worse, own their own bodies. That means that as much as you might like, you cannot force your child eat. Toddlers and young children pick up on this power imbalance when they are in those "oppositional stages" of development - you know those wonderful stages when they exert their emotional "independence".

Three problem situations that come to mind are:

• Your child throws his plate of his food on the floor,
• Your child wants to leave the table to run a few laps around the house in between bites of food and
• Your child refuses to eat what you serve.

The Food Thrower
Simply state the obvious: "I see you are finished with your dinner". Now, take the food away until the next regular meal time. Do not serve snacks in between. Do not get angry with your child. Your child is experimenting with cause and effect and social power. While, as a parent, it may seem like getting your child to eat should be the priority, it is not. Having stress-free meal times is your priority. If you don't want to put your child to sleep hungry, serve some lovely toast and milk before bed (that's all - don't fuss with 'I told you to eat your dinner" or "oh my sweetie, can I fix you something now?") Tomorrow is a new day, serving small portions and letting your child ask for second and third helpings.

The Meal-time Sprinter
In this situation, explain to your child that she can get down from the table when she is finished eating. If she says she is finished eating, tell her that's fine and you will put her food away. If she comes back to the table to eat after a lap or two around the living room, explain that she said she was finished. The tantrum will come next but you are prepared for it. Just let it pass. Remember to be realistic about how long your child can sit at a table for meals - 20 minutes is a pretty good rule of thumb. You may also want to evaluate the mealtime experience from her perspective. Are you sitting at the table with her? Are you talking to each other? Keep it interesting but don't take it personally if some children finish eating and then choose to go play. That's a good choice for a child to make and a choice that may change month to month.

The Refusenik
How much choice should a child have about what is served for meals? This will change household to household but you do not want to go on a wild goose chase looking for the perfect food. Feel free to ask your child before the meal is prepared what he would like to eat. But only ask if you truly want to know. Otherwise serve what you like to eat. And be prepared to rethink your own eating habits if you want your child to eat healthy too.

The wild goose chase begins when your child chooses one thing but changes his mind when it's served. You may offer a possible back-up that is an easy substitute, explaining to your child, "If you don't like what we're eating, you can have the sliced turkey or cheese that's in the frig." But continue to serve a variety of healthy foods. Respect your child's decision even if you disagree. He will eat at the next meal when he's hungry. You have to trust, really trust, that if you offer healthy foods in a relaxed setting that your child will grow up with healthy eating habits. And, it's perfectly all right if your child eats the same foods for months at a time. Check with your pediatrician if you are concerned about minimum daily nutrition. Just remember mealtime struggles are not getting more food into your child or building responsible eating habits.

Bon Appetite!

© Family Time Inc. 2004

Karen Deerwester is the owner of Family Time Coaching & Consulting, writing and lecturing on parenting and early childhood topics since 1984. Karen is also the Mommy & Me director at The Ruth and Edward Taubman Early Childhood Center at B’nai Torah Congregation in Boca Raton.