Teaching Love

It goes without saying that children learn about love from loving and being loved. But they also learn about love from seeing other people expressing love, most importantly how they see their parents loving each other. A wise person once said, "If you want to know how your child will get along with her siblings, look closely at how mom and dad get along with other". This remains true whether the parents live in the same house or across the country.

Express Adult Affection in Front of the Children.
It's easy to focus all the attention on a young child and put adult relationships on the back burner. Start with small steps if you've gotten out of the habit of noticing your partner is the same person you fell head-over-heels for pre-baby. Give one another compliments daily - genuine compliments that say "I notice you". Take five minutes to listen to something that's important to the other person. From here, you can build up to holding hands again, and even to date-nights either at home or out on the town.

Giving Works Only After Refilling the Supply
Don't criticize mom if it takes the entire first year to juggle being "needed" by so many people. Having a baby rocks your world and it's definitely okay to need transition time. Moms, who feel like banishing the romance for a decade or two, should first take time for themselves to refill the love-supply. Motherhood is depleting and exhausting.

Again start small. Reclaim your right to bathroom time alone. Surround yourself with the little things that made you happy before-baby: candles, flowers, fifteen minutes to read every day, or a long phone call to your best friend. Eventually, you will enjoy defining yourself as something in addition to being a mother - a good friend, a smart woman, a person with dreams.

Taking care of yourself is never selfish. Children learn about their potential in the outside world through the choices mom and dad make for themselves.

What about Jealousy?
Parents quickly discover that there are times when the children definitely do not like seeing their parents showing affection to one another. Jealous toddlers scream "no" as they rip the hugging couple apart. Family hugs are born in just these moments. Give your child the message loud and clear - there's enough love for everyone.

Be silly and stand your ground - even when it comes to children "demanding" that one parent is needed to meet his needs over the other parent. Children learn about love when they learn that both parents are capable, even if not equally experienced.

Couple Time vs. Family Time
There is no magic formula to how and when you preserve your romance. Each couple is unique. Not everyone wants flowers or sexy lingerie. Some couples swear by date-nights and others don't go out alone until the children are in middle school. The important thing is that you let your children see you treating each other with love and respect, kindness and thoughtfulness. It's your relationship. Talk to each other and decide what works for you. Just remember to make your relationship a genuine priority.

Fighting is Normal
All that love and affection is good but "real" couples have disagreements, sometimes serious disagreements that lead to strong emotions and yes fighting. How will your children learn about anger, frustration, making mistakes, and problem solving if they don't watch you? This is the time when children learn to do what you do, not what you say.

Yes, you may fight in front of the children. If you want to know the difference between scare-the-children-fighting and reasonable I'm-losing-it fighting, imagine a hidden camera recording your every word and action. Give yourself a time-out to avoid those moments that cannot be broadcast on the evening news. Otherwise, explain to the children that mommy and daddy are angry right now and sometimes mommy and daddy forget how to talk calmly. Later, explain that you worked through all those out-of-control emotions.

The Sponge Theory
Children are little sponges picking up the things we teach directly along with all the other things we never meant to teach. When it comes to teaching love, start with yourself and then with your relationships. Your children will pick up everything that matters.

© Family Time Inc. 2006

Karen Deerwester is the owner of Family Time Coaching & Consulting, writing and lecturing on parenting and early childhood topics since 1984. Karen is also the Mommy & Me director at The Ruth and Edward Taubman Early Childhood Center at B’nai Torah Congregation in Boca Raton.