Articles by Karen Deerwester

God Comes in All Sizes

By Karen Deerwester, Ed.S.

More than two decades ago, an observant philosopher named Gareth Matthews noticed that children perceived and described the world in very philosophical terms. No doubt every parent of a three year old knows this is true.

Three year olds are notorious for challenging whether we adults know anything at all. Our firm grasp on reality erodes steadily from there. Who really knows the answers to children's deepest questions: Where does God live? What does "He" look like? Where were we before we were born and where do we go when we die?

Children ask spiritual questions. As with all difficult subjects, like sex and death, talking to children about God must begin where you are. Never teach children something you do not believe just because it's easier. Now is the time to clarify your personal beliefs. Think back to what you were taught as a child. How did those teachings resonate with you? Did those answers satisfy you? Did they enrich your experience of living every day, of living within a family and being part a community? All children deserve thoughtful answers to genuine questions.

After you get reacquainted with your feelings about spirituality and religion, you are ready to begin a dialogue with your child. Here are a few practical communication tips:

1. Respond with small bits of information, giving your child time to think. If you give a long-winded, comprehensive answer, you will miss hearing exactly what and why your child is questioning.
2. Ask open-ended questions to engage your child in a discussion. For example ask, "What do you think?" "How do you think it feels…?" Ask comparative questions, "Do you think it's like ______?"
3. Let your child feel emotionally safe putting complex ideas into words. Do not laugh. Listen with your heart. There may be strong emotions underlying some of these questions - fear of abandonment, confusion, or guilt.
4. Keep the dialogue going. Connect your child's curiosity to stories, books, walks in nature, and family routines.

Most importantly, create a family routine that is meaningful to you. Children learn by example not by lectures. If you want your children to be kind, practice patience. If you want your children to have religious beliefs, let them see your beliefs in action. We know that children actually benefit emotionally and intellectually from predictable routines. A routine becomes a ritual to a child just by giving it a name and adding a few well-chosen symbols. In our secular world, a birthday becomes a ritual by adding a candle, a song, and a few hats. So too in our spiritual world, daily practices take on deeper meaning.

Depending on your faith and your lifestyle, there are many ways to incorporate spirituality and a reverence for living. You choose whether you are honoring a higher power, celebrating the beauty of the natural world, or making a connection to that which is good in humanity. Children thrive when we envelope them in a world of love and caring. From sun-up to sun-down, create family traditions that reflect the things you value most.

Morning: Start the day with a prayer, a poem, or a song. Express gratitude for your blessings, large and small. Help your child understand that sometimes life is a bit of a struggle but those struggles need not be suffered alone, whether help is in the form of family, friends, God, or something intangible.

Mealtimes: Start mealtimes with a blessing or an expression of gratitude. Teaching children appreciation becomes even more important when food and abundance appear seemingly without effort out of nowhere.

Bedtimes: You probably still remember your bedtime prayers from your childhood. Children take enormous comfort in bedtime rituals and prayers are one way to consistently tell children they are safe and not alone. Find some way to put a ribbon on each day that fits your beliefs.

And don't forget including children in religious services and holidays. Your beliefs are the foundation by which to teach children how to set priorities, how to relate to others, and how to relate to animals and the earth. Decide now what you want to teach your children. Remember, repetition matters. Children need to hear essential messages in a variety of ways. At the same time, children see things that are beyond words to adults. Children are comfortable in that nonverbal world. It might be a very good thing if we join them there a little more often.

Karen Deerwester is the owner of Family Time Coaching & Consulting, writing and lecturing on parenting and early childhood topics since 1984. Karen is also the Mommy & Me director at The Ruth and Edward Taubman Early Childhood Center at B’nai Torah Congregation in Boca Raton.

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