First Love

Every parent knows that the love of a child is unlike any other love in the universe - pure and holy, breath-taking and heart-stopping. And then, the child wakes up. Fortunately through a design quirk in development, children continue to see themselves as this vital center-of-the-universe, thereby operating on the assumption that they are equally adorable when awake.

A parent's love is a child's first love. It is the prism through which the child experiences who he is and where he fits in the scheme of things. Parental love blesses the child for his entire lifetime as a unique and wonderful human being. When the experts talk about bonding and attachment, they are paying homage to the awesome power of this parent-child relationship.

Ideals aside, however, all love, even first love, is a process of two people getting to know each other and growing together with similarities and differences. Parents know that love is not always coos and kisses. It changes with each new stage of development and with each twist-and-turn of life experiences. Sometimes it feels heavy and guilty. Sometimes it churns with doubt. It appears in many guises but no matter what - it's always there!

The Courtship Stage
That first moment of bonding may take place instantaneously or it may take place much later. Whenever it happens though, it is a "wow", a helplessly falling into love. A magical bubble surrounds mom and dad and baby. They eat, sleep, and breathe "baby". Old selves are temporarily lost as the new parent-self comes alive. This matches perfectly what a new baby needs. Baby and parents are one, perfectly synchronized to feel one another's emotions and needs. The toughest and strongest among us become gentle nurturers tuned-in to what makes this baby feel safe and loved.

The Discovery Stage
In very little time, however, first impressions give way to a new reality. Parents grow weary from lack of sleep and soon discover they are less than perfect. The initial glow of motherhood and fatherhood fades as that magical bubble starts to wear thin. Showers and adult conversations start to look more enticing than the twelfth reading of Goodnight Moon. Life needs to be rebalanced once again. Parents are learning about themselves - good, bad, and ugly. And also about their child - good, bad, and ugly (of course, there are no bad or ugly children but there are some very bad days and some terribly ugly messes). Love in the Discovery Stage is about fearlessly seeing the truth in yourself and your children.

The Working Stage
Remember, that old saying "marriage is work". Well, parenting is even harder because the people you're working with don't even have their work permits. Life with kids is not easy. Teaching children how to live in the world, to learn right from wrong, and to become their best selves can be tedious and exhausting. But someone has to do it - and all the better that the someone be the person who shared the perfect love of that first bonding experience. Love makes the "working stage" manageable. It provides the spark to "do the right thing" even though there are a thousand easier ways. Homework, car pools, family-centered routines, and countless teachable moments - the stuff of parenting. You do it, maybe not always with love, but definitely because you love!

The Letting Go Stage
Love always involves trust in the other person. Parents get to practice "letting go" many times before the child becomes an adult. Mom trusts dad to do things differently than she does. Parents trust teachers as they say good-bye on the first day of school. And then, before you know it, you trust your child to make good decisions when peers are baiting him into some foolhardy risk or when he's driving on a dangerous road late at night. It takes a lot of love to believe in another person, especially when they make choices that are different than yours.

And so, for everyone lucky enough to be parents, you get a first-hand course on the many kinds of love. It may change everyday. It'll make you smile and make you cry. But when parents ask: "Is it enough to just love my kids?" You know in your heart - love is all there is!

© Family Time Inc. 2005

Karen Deerwester is the owner of Family Time Coaching & Consulting, writing and lecturing on parenting and early childhood topics since 1984. Karen is also the Mommy & Me director at The Ruth and Edward Taubman Early Childhood Center at B’nai Torah Congregation in Boca Raton.