Potty Training Answer Book Excerpts

From Chapter 2:
Does a child's temperament affect potty training?
Your child was born with a temperament style that was evident within the first twenty four hours and that will be there when he goes to off to college. That temperament style is still in you today as a parent. Luckily, you've had many years to learn to compensate for times when your temperament made situations more challenging. Temperament affects how you learn and how you handle change. It also affects potty training.

Nearly four decades ago two researchers, Chess a professor of child psychiatry and Thomas a professor of psychiatry, identified three different temperament styles: easy, slow-to-warm-up, and difficult. According to the now classic research, Thomas and Chess, found these three temperament styles reflect differences in the nine characteristics listed below.

1. Activity level
2. Regularity
3. Distractibility
4. Intensity
5. Sensitivity
6. Adaptability
7. Persistence
8. Approach/Withdrawal
9. Mood

From Chapter 4:
Am I a positive potty role model?
Now, more than ever, your child is watching you. She is studying what you do and what you say and especially what you don't say. She's probably taking notes too.

• Are you open or secretive about your bathroom behavior?
• Are you following the hygiene routine too?
• Do you believe your child will be successful in her own time?
• Is potty training a genuine priority or do you fit it in when it's convenient for you?
• Do you talk about your child's potty abilities to other adults in front of your child?
• Do you talk about dirty diapers or soiled clothes as "icky", "yucky", or "nasty"?
• Can you see potty training through your child's eyes to prevent your own boredom and burn-out?

From Chapter 4:
What is a Personal Potty Plan?
You've done your preparation - you know what you're getting involved in, sort of. You've set a foundation for a positive potty experience. Your child is interested in using the potty and she has had some casual success. Now, it's time to look into the future and make a guess of how to bring it all together. This is not an arbitrary role of the dice. You can now make an informed decision based on years of parenting experience. Will you choose the "Potty Weekend", "Naked Noons", or Weekend Mini "Potty Play Days"?

• Remember temperament styles. Does your child like to go slow or fast into new situations? Does your child need structured routines or can your child adapt some to inconsistency? Does your child want to do everything "his way" or does your child prefer a little hand-holding? Does your child get stuck in frustrating situation or barrel forward through frustration? How can you best support your child's chances of success?
• Evaluate your needs. Are you ready for an all-consuming weekend or do you prefer devoting a little time each day? How hands-on do you want to be and for how long? What is realistic given your current work and family schedules? How can you best manage months of potty training activities? Use the following guide to see which plan best fits your child and your family: For Example, the Potty Weekend works best for parents who like structure and for children who adapt more quickly to change. "Naked Noons" works best for parents who can maintain consistency for an extended time and for children who like a slow 'n steady pace. Weekend Mini - "Potty Play Days" work well for unstructured parents with full schedules and for children who are extremely adaptable and independent but not for children who need more consistency and structure.

From Chapter 5:
When are potty accidents most likely?
Imagine yourself in the body and the mind of your potty-going child. Your child's inner world looks and feels very different from the one you know. Sometimes your child gets all mixed up. Sometimes his head knows what's right while his body is doing the opposite.

Accidents are likely when your child is busy. Your Potty Weekend was finely focused on potty-going behavior. Your child had on-going reminders. The entire day revolved around making pottying fun and easy. Now, real life adds hundreds of distractions - an interesting video, a bug he's never seen before, or the last bite of a cookie. Young children have difficulty stopping whatever it is they are doing, even if that thing will be waiting there when they return. It isn't rational but it's the way children think.

Accidents are likely when something is different than expected- dad uses different words when he gives a potty reminder, the potty chair is in the wrong place, or your child is startled by the dog. Your child shifts his intellectual and emotional focus to comprehend the changes and whoops…he forgot what he seemed to know so well.

Accidents also happen because your child has an immature sense of time - how long will it take to finish something, how long will it take to get to the potty, how long will it take to take off clothes. Potty-age children frequently underestimate time.

The reasons for accidents are as numerous as hours in the day. It's a wonder children ever manage with all the possibilities. Your child may be sick or in a bad mood. You may be sick or in a bad mood. Using the potty might seem such a bother today. Whatever the reason, accidents happen. Expect them.

What should I do when my child has a potty accident?
What do you want people to say to you when you make a mistake? "Why did you do that - you know better!" "That's it, lady - no birthday party for you!" "I told you that would happen!" Blame and humiliation are counter-productive in potty training. Negative emotions discourage future success and prevent your child from finding a better alternative.

Your child still needs you as a supportive partner keeping her focused on her goal. You want your child to be a potty pro - resourceful when faced with the unexpected, motivated despite obstacles, adaptable in imperfect conditions.

1. Check your emotions before you speak or act. You may be tired, discouraged, frustrated, angry, confused, desperate, worried, and just plain over-it. It's okay - you're normal. Hold that thought and call your potty-support friend later. You're entitled to complain and scream a little, just not at your child. Your child cannot and will not learn while you're in an emotional state.

2. State the situation in neutral terms for your child. Simply describe what happened. For example, if you're out shopping and see your child standing in a puddle with a nervous look on his face, you can say "I didn't know you needed to use a potty." This helps your child focus on what happened instead of any negative emotions. Keep in mind - your child literally may not know "what just happened". He hasn't processed it yet. He's wet, physically uncomfortable, possibly embarrassed, and is wishing he could close his eyes and make it all go away.

3. Find a solution. Problem solving aloud helps your child become a problem solver too. "Let's find a bathroom where we can change your clothes. Not to worry, I always bring extra clothes for you just in case we need them." Or, "We don't have extra clothes with us today. That's okay; we'll drive home to get some." Sometimes, even the all-wise, all-knowing parent has no idea what to do. Here's your chance to be a truly great role-model. When in doubt, stall. Just say, "Hmmm, I wonder what we should do now?" Let the world stop around you until you think of something.

4. Be positive. Leave your child with the hope that he can be successful. Let him know you are confidant that he will succeed too. Laughter is also powerful medicine for mistakes - just be sure you laughing with, not at, your child.

From Chapter 7:
What if pottying becomes a power struggle?
Sometimes normal developmental testing behavior spills over into the potty training process. Your potty-age child may not have the self restraint to avoid escalating conflicts so it's up to you to be the voice of calm. Power struggles pit you against your child at a time when your child's needs respectful guidance on her side.

• Stay calm, at least while in the same room as your child. Try something like, "Instead of fighting, I'll be back in two minutes. Then we can figure this out."
• Let the "rules" speak instead of your authority. For example, "Everyone has to wear a pull-up or underpants in the store. Which one will it be?"
• Substitute gentle reminders for harsh directives. Avoid statements like "put those pants on right NOW!" Instead offer the choice, "Two more minutes to get your pants on and then I'll be in to help you."
• Do not give choices when you don't mean it. Instead of "do you want to go potty before getting in the car", try in a sing-songy voice, "time for pre-car potty pit stop!"
• Give lots of empowering choices when you do mean it - when both choices lead your child to the desired behavior. For example, hop or skip to the bathroom, Cinderella underwear or Minnie Mouse underwear.
• Shut down inappropriate "power surges" quickly. For example, if your child is ready to throw the potty chair, take it calmly and place it out of reach.
• Be ready to say what you want your child to do, not what you don't want. For example, "Let's relax and take a minute to regroup." Or, "We need to walk to our car. It's hard to think with so many people watching us."
• Expect more tantrums as your child releases excessive frustration. Have a tantrum plan to contain hurtful behavior - designate a place where your child can fall apart without hurting herself or being destructive.