The Entitlement-Free Child

Morning Chaos

Situation: My child won't cooperate when we have to get out of the house on weekday mornings. It's one fight after another, and I feel so bad dropping him off at school after a stressful morning.

Entitlement Issues: You want to respect your child's independence and autonomy. Unfortunately, the entitlement child learns that he gets what he wants, whether or not it's good for him. The child is the one in charge, but in this case he is not capable of making good decisions. The entitlement child also discovers that smart adults will defer to him in order to avoid feeling bad themselves.

Entitlement-Free Perspective: Mornings are difficult for many reasons-poor planning, not enough sleep, too many distractions, and serious time constraints. Everyone runs out of time eventually. Blaming a child is absolutely counterproductive. Your child wants the same kind of morning you do. He needs to see you make good decisions before he can.

The entitlement-free child is both capable and respectful. Give your child an active role in problem solving while establishing clear boundaries to maximize success. The entitlement-free child will be proud of what he can do instead of being empowered by negativity.

Entitlement-Free Strategies:

1. Reclaim your confidence. You can't change anything if you question your ability. Avoid screaming and emotional drama. Do as much as you can in advance to control your stress. The night before, make sure your child's school uniform is washed and the car keys are where they should be.
2. Talk to your child the night before. Explain in one or two sentences that mornings are not working the way they are right now and you're looking forward to a better way, in which there'll be less fighting.
3. Identify where you need to make concrete changes. Do you need to wake up your child earlier? Set a limit on certain activities? You may want to designate fifteen minutes for breakfast, ten minutes to get dressed, or the maximum number of snooze buttons. Do you need to get yourself dressed earlier so you are able to help your child? Make concrete changes that your child can understand: set a game timer and play Beat the Clock. Get better organized: store backpacks and shoes near the door or pack lunches with your child the night before.
4. Communicate the plan to your child. You can't succeed alone, so be sure your child knows what's expected of him. Make it short and sweet: "Tomorrow we start our new no-fighting mornings." Or: "Tomorrow we make it to the car with all our stuff by 7:30."
5. Anticipate what could go wrong. If your child reenacts Moses parting the Red Sea in his bowl of oatmeal every day, you might need to set a specific time to have the dishes in the sink. Or remember to check to see if your child sat down to watch TV again or is making soap castles in the bathroom sink. Be proactive to get your child back on track.
6. Keep moving forward, calmly and confidently, no matter what. Stick to the priorities. If you're fighting over socks, forget the socks but get the shoes. When it's time to go, just go. You can finesse the details tomorrow.