The Entitlement-Free Child

Age-Appropriate Expectations

The entitlement-free child knows what is expected and has the ability to meet those expectations. Age-appropriate expectations balance love and guidance. Expectations that are too few, or too easy, fail to lead a child to his fullest potential. Expectations that are excessive, or are not accompanied with the tools to succeed, immobilize a child's progress.

When you expect something difficult or challenging from your child, your child reacts the way you might react going to the dentist. If the dentist rushes you into the office without any comforting small talk and there's a thug standing beside your chair so you don't move, you will either comply but fear your next appointment or you will run for the hills. If the dentist tells you to come in for that root canal when you're in the mood, you might find lots of better things to do until the problem is unavoidable and requires more intense treatment. If your dentist plays soothing music, tells you what he's doing next, and gives you breaks to rest your jaw, you might actually continue your annual appointments and floss regularly.

Expectations change as your child grows and as situations change. Entitlement-free parents recognize the process of finding the "just right" expectation to fit the situation. Last month's expectations are not enough, while next year's are too much. To make it even more confusing, the expectation might fit the child but not the situation. For example, an expectation to pick up the toys needs modification if your child has a broken leg.

Entitlement-free expectations work because they balance these love and guidance considerations:

• What and When: Say what you want clearly and directly. "I want you to pick up the toys before dinner." Children aren't great mind readers, so their idea of "clean your room" may not resemble your idea.
• How 1: If you want it done a certain way, say it. "The books go on the bookcase, not in the toy bin." Carefully evaluate your standards for reasonableness, and don't let perfectionism define success. Try to accept another "good way" besides your own.
• How 2: Anticipate and address potential snags. Be prepared to redirect if your child always gets distracted halfway through. For example, have him pass you the trucks before he tries to sit down and play with them. Or play Beat the Clock to keep him focused on the task at hand.
• Why: Add benefits to your acknowledgements. "Thanks! Now your room is organized for tomorrow's play date." Or, "You're getting faster and faster at finding all the puzzle pieces. I'll bet it feels good to be done quickly."

All learning requires a leap-from what is familiar to what is new. Your child willingly takes a risk when he sees certainty in your eyes, just as he holds back when he sees fear and doubt. Is the top of the slide safe, or is it too high? Is going on stage exciting or nerve-racking? Giving your child age-appropriate expectations honors his individuality and growth. Your child might need you to point the way, to hold his hand, and once in a while to give a gentle push. Each time, you earn your child's trust that your expectation is what's best for your child. That can feel like an enormous responsibility. Rest assured that it's okay to revise your expectations, particularly those that aren't working.

Expectations open the door to your child's potential. Like the compassionate dentist, it's up to you to lead your child through any challenging moment by finding the right balance between avoidance and frustration. The entitlement child and the fearful child never discover all that they can do. The entitlement-free child takes a chance and exceeds all expectations.