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If you have a parenting question to “ask Karen”, you can email Karen directly at Karen@FamilyTimeInc.com. Karen will answer your question as soon as possible. Or, you can request a personal coaching session. About Karen Deerwester
Karen is the founder and CEO of Family Time, Inc., a Parent Educator and Early Childhood Specialist. Karen has supported thousands of parents in their efforts to build great foundations for children since 1985, through classes, seminars, and one-on-one coaching. Karen is uniquely committed to helping parents become problem solvers in the large and small questions that arise when "living with children." How-to Videos
Dealing with Tantrums
Question: I took my 4-year-old, and my 1-year-old to a birthday party at McDonald's. As soon as they started the party my 4-year-old threw a huge tantrum! He didn't want to do anything the other kid's were doing and was screaming and crying for about 15 minutes. So I decided to leave and my 4-year-old threw himself on the ground while I was trying to get his jacket on. He was crying, screaming, kicking, and hitting me. He doesn't normally act this way; he is usually extremely laid back. When I was fighting him to get his jacket on, everyone in the restaurant was staring at me in horror. I started to cry, I was so frustrated, and had no idea how to handle the situation. We just went home and I sent him to bed. The party was at 11:00 a.m. so he wasn't tired. I don't know what set him off. Please can I have some advice and what to do when this happens to me again. I don't want to break down and cry in public again. KimberlyAnswer: All I can say is shame on the onlookers! Of course you were frustrated and embarrassed but any mother in that room could have been in your shoes. I plead with everyone who reads this column to remember to offer kind expressions and comforting words to parents of children having tantrums. That goes for birthday parties where we wish things could stay perfectly sweet, shopping malls during the holidays, or grocery store check-out lines when we're all exhausted and want to get home.
Children have tantrums. It's a fact of life. Children have tantrums because they do not have the emotional maturity to express everything they feel and the cognitive skills to find more appropriate solutions. Sometimes, they just lose it.
You handled the situation well. Since you cannot reason with a four year old and you did not want to ruin the party experience for others, you chose to leave. You gave your son plenty of time to regroup and he couldn't. With all the heightened emotions, yours and his, sending him to a quiet room and a soft bed was a perfectly good option. You and he survived - Hooray!
How can you be prepared for the possibility of future tantrums?
Public tantrums are the worst. It can be very lonely to feel all those eyes on you but please try to remember no one (NO ONE) has the right to judge you or your child for doing the best you can. Instead, you deserved a helping hand or a friendly voice saying they'd call you later to check on you. Remember, a four-year-old's tantrum is no reflection of your ability as a mom.
P.S. You might want to check out the "Tantrums" segment on my Parenting Quick Tips CD.
Good Luck,
Karen Deerwester, Ed.S.
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